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Friday, January 28, 2005
Ahhh Amsterdam... we had managed to be in the first hotel on our trip and managed to get completly trashed as well... I was still trashed and I felt like my body was floating and making me knock into anything solid when I decided to walk.
The triple S was a regular ... Shit, Shower and Shave!
"So.. Kirt" I say with a mouthful of Mcleans. "What's cooking today."
"I do believe good sir we are seeing some diamond cutting and then kicking off to the Heinekken museum!"
"Ahhh sweet"
"Ahhh dude"
We manage to sit down amongst the throng of Contiki's and here their exploits of the previous night, we managed to get on the bus to return to the hotel (the bus was half empty) so people had plenty of stories. It seems that Hilly, Malks, Lorna (Lozza), Brooke and a couple others headed to the red light district and saw some freaky sex show. Brooke proceeds to tell me that she was on stage making a withdrawal of fruit from a ladies ... well you know. The fruit you say??? Ahh Banana of course! Brooke's nickname today was Banana-Gal! Malks decided to talk to one of the red light lasses and ask
"How much?"
"Suck and Fuck - 50 Euro."
"How much for a suck?"
"50 Euro!"
"Fuck mustn't be that good then!"
So we all tell our stories and people are laughing and having a great time... we find out that Lorna and Brooke want to head off to the Heineken museum as well. Ahhh the love of life and two beautiful women to escort us to the Heaven of Beer! People were getting all fruity about going to Van Gogh's and Anne Franks ... bah me and Kirt on a mission.. me and Kirt must find substance to simulate the cause of brain damage! Yes it is 7am and we both are thinking about beer.
Diamond cutting was like watching grass grow and as stimulating as a snail race through chicanes. We managed to see some diamonds worth 20,000 euro and all the girls went woozy over them. I sat on the seat at the back, fell asleep and coughed myself awake most of the time. Still toasted since last night as well!
Cut me something square!
Right ... Kirt and I blow the popstand and pull out the roadmap! We are here we need to get thar! Off we go following people we thought were going to the museum as well, to only find out half way along they weren't!!! Fucka's we are now off course and time is cut short, we have lost Lozza and Brooke! So I check the map and find the shortcut's to get us to the tram!
Taking in the back-streets of a cities is sometimes some of the best culturally aware things you can do, I have always liked getting myself lost in cities, until of course you trip over a drunk or walk into the bike lane (everyone rides bikes in Amsterdam, they have bike stands the size of metropoliation car parks - I shit you not!) and you may get run down by a tinky bell and a lot of cussing in Dutch... "Yo Ma!!!"
Backstreets of Amsterdam
We make it to the tram and there's Lozza and Brooke, jumping on a tram with a non-existant ticket collector and make to the museum.
The Heinekken museum is worth a trip around, if of course you are interested in all the processes. It's cheap and you get 3 drinks on your trip around and a glass at the end! That sold me! So we play with all the gadgets and go on all the rides, send a movie home with Kirt and I swimming inside a Heinekken bottle and make complete asses of ourselves where we can and walk out of there with a free pint glass and feeling a little tipsy! Don't ask me how to make the beer for you, I just know it's got hop's and water goes into somewhere and I think you add yeast, barley and sugar or something like that! I drink it, and spew it up! I don't mass produce it!
Lozza wants to taste fries and mayo - the delicacy of Amsterdam. Munchies kick in and we are off to The Dam, missing Anne Franks house and hitting the streets in search of fries and mayo! We order them and they douse it in Mayo! So we are there hands covered in mayo eating it, walking along licking our fingers, to anyone watching us it would have been a most disgusting sight to watch!
Lozza's decides Mayo is creamy!
I'm now sweating and coughing with the worst fever imaginable.. I hit up the chemist and stand with some American tourists wanted the best drug they can give them to get rid of a cold / cough. I listen.. and I say as they argue with the person behind the counter. "I want something that will kill my cold and put me to sleep." Handing over a pack of capsules named Darra was her response.. I buy and notice the words on the packet. RETARD CAPSULES. What the?
Back on the bus and we are now off to St Goar in the Rhineland. I know tonight there is a wine tasting in some underground caves and well I was so sick by now, all I thought about was bed. x3 Retards and I was seeing stars and everything got fuzzy and then BLANK. I wake up in St Goar and it's night, I've been sitting next to someone the whole bus trip sleeping. I crawl out of the bus and say to Gerry (our Tour Manager who by now is beginning to be one funky dude)
"I aint going to the wine tasting.. I'm going to sleep!" Words possible to that effect as the retard capsules made me slur everything and speak gypsy for a good amount of time!
Shit shower and shave I head down to dinner, eat very little and people head off to wine tasting, a few are left behind and I begin to talk to Nic (our bus driver) and find out he worked with the Australian government as an undercover investigator on oil rigs to see if they were frauding the system. Found out he had been shot twice and the only reason he drives buses is that it's less stressful! (You ever thought about driving a bus full of 50 people who get drunk at first opportunity and bonk anything, make complete asses of themselves, shit in your bus toilet and ask for seconds?) I finish the pint of beer I have and head to bed, thinking I'll have a snooze and come back down to see everyone else after wine tasting. x2 more capsules!
Zoink!!!
It's Kirt in his boxers again saying it's time to get up.. its 6:15am! I'm sick.. I mean really sick by now and Kirt's morning glory aint making the stomach which is churning any better! I'm in the middle of Germany in the Rhineland, along the Rhine River and all I want to do now is sleep for another 48 hours!!
"What's on the itenary today good Kirt... and put some clothes on dude!"
"Munich!!"
"Shit!!! BEER AND RETARD CAPSULES!"
Day 3 coming soon......
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Sorry no Day 2 until later this evening, went out on date with Jane last night, in the meantime I received these emails one from Rockhead from home and the other is spam, but it was so weird I have to post it and let you people figure it out, either it's some code to start a war or someone is trying to write up some horrible sex story... Email 1: -----Original Message----- From: Karson VALDEZ [mailto:calorifier@priest.com] Sent: 25 January 2005 13:41 Subject: Remember me? Hallo, Madalyn!
"i fraughted them false."
Armani LOCKETT. Email 2:THE ADVENTURE BEGINS: Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird sectionand Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if hecan help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in datcage up here,"says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddyand Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck todrive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks downat the 1000' foot drop and says "Dis looks like a grand place." He takestwo birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off thecliff. Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killinghimself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddyshakes his head and says "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'ndangerous for me!" THERE'S MORE Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shoptoo and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in onehand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. Hetakes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom andbreaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says "And I'mnever trying dat parrotshooting either!" IT IS NOT OVER YET Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Ogappears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out ofwhich he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff anddisappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Oncemore Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with hisbudgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean Og and his fook'nhengliding!" Later all |
Monday, January 24, 2005
http://www.koreus.com/files/200408/radiohead_creep.html
Goodnight all - work tomorrow and mundane live continues for Luke.
Yes there is the expression of there are 3 people that go on Contiki tours. The Culture Vultures - consuming as much arty farty tours and trying to take photo's of every statue and midget with an accordion in sight! The Shopaholics - buying everything they can get their grubby hands on, running up Daddy's credit card if need be just to purchase the Cuckoo clock which was made in Taiwan, but damn it looked good on the wall in St Goar, Germany! Then there is the Socialites.. drinkers, jokers and dancers who want to make every day a party day....
Another expression - Every day is a Saturday night and every morning is a Monday morning.
Last one - What goes on tour... stays on tour
Now I believe in the first 2 expressions .. however the last is something that I don't think I can hold too many secrets over... :)
So I'm going to try and fill you in with much detail on a blow by blow day by day encounter each day for the next 12-13 days (hopefully) and let you know what, when and how it happened... all incriminating evidence has been filed and made use of!
Day 1: London
Now there are possibly two things that I now never to trust Kirt with after Day 1. Organization (and this is not saying that I'm the best organizer in the world, and far from it) and Decision (ditto). Kirt managed to book a cab that never came (not his fault) however he didn't bother getting the cab's phone number, so we had to walk up to the minicab place at 5am in the morning to go scream at them. Suffice to say... when we did manage to arrive in Russell Square for our presumed 6am pickup that Kirt managed to say... 'Err Luke.. I read it wrong it's a 7:30am pick up'
It's cold and look at the 5:35am clock hand I manage to keep a smile and say... 'Right lets find some breakfast at least.' I was feeling like shit, coughing and spluttering and I knew that whatever was coming my way was going to make me a diseased human and I know getting on the bus would easily spread like wild fire.
We managed to find the dirtiest place known to mankind which said 'Fresh Hotdogs' ... they were hardly fresh and the pizza slices looked like they were processed from the nearest rear-end. Luckily the half stale sandwiches we consumed tasted ok... and we managed to get to our pick up point.
People standing around.... brain computing at the amount of women and the amount of guys... estimate about 60% women and 40% good looking.... with a quick jig on the spot and a smile to the nearest lady... 'This must be the Contiki pick up.' A shy smile and a nod or yes was all Kirt and I needed. However I managed to then go into a coughing fit and remove myself away from everyone.
Kirt overpacks with his enormous suitcase (23kg) and I pack 5 kg into my back pack (10.5 kg) we get our checked stickers and heave over to the bus... I take a last smoke and watch the people getting on the bus... I say to Kirt 'Find us a seat!' I manage to talk to our bus driver, Nic - 30 year old Australian who was really looking forward to the next 12 days. He looked like he just taken a hit of cocaine, which worried me a little... until of course he said he just consumed 4 red bulls and 3 mars bars.
Kirt manages to find a seat which is sitting above the toilet, raised and overlooking the rest of the bust, of course we are now on show and the leg room is terrible. (This is the first and last time me and Kirt sit next to each other on the bus)
My sickness kicks in and I'm feeling like someone was knocking me senseless with a rubber glove filled with cement. I listen to our Tour Manager - short New Zealander who tucked his short in far too much... he seemed switched on. Amsterdam our first stop!
I switch on the Ipod and try and get some sleep, looking around the bus I'm sitting opposite two other Australians --- Hilly and Malks (finding out later the next couple days these the only other 2 single guys in my age bracket). Hilly's an ex rugby player who now coaches, seems like a bit of a joker and larriken and probably get along with, Malks is 31 year old PE teacher with a tickler under his bottom lip - down to earth and friendly.
We arrive at Dover and get on our boat to Calais... Kirt and I manage to find the bar and he buys the 3 for 5 quid beers and we sit down... I manage to just drink one and fall asleep on the couch, my sickness has reached drowsiness as I had consumed 3-4 Nurofen's.
People are starting to talk now when we get back on the bus, seems that their was another bar at the back of the boat and people congregated there and drank... not too fussed as I was so sick that I couldn't be buggered to talk. We start hearing what people do and starting chatting to people opposite to us on the way to Amsterdam. Good ice breakers and finding out if people are going on the river cruise tonight. 95% are... Kirt and I decide not to as we want to find a cafe!
We get to our hotel at night, told the arrangements when the bus leaves... I have a quick shower and feel a little refreshed from it... We manage to find a few people who weren't going on the river cruise.
Taimba - a south african who does adverts for music videos, Kelly - Australian living in London, Danielle - south african who was looking forward to the trip ahead.
We manage to find a cafe named the Bull Dog and after the consumption of Space Cake and a puff of purple haze we were all a little lucky go happy.... walking around Amsterdam we managed to find the infamous red-light district and there was talk of some of the rest of the crew going to a Live Sex Show as well. Bus pick up was 11pm and we managed to get on, I was not keen to go home! We had one guy which found us before we got on the bus and he was just hanging around us.... Kirt got freaked out when he boarded and went to the toilet... and said 'Hey mate you aren't with us...' Only to find out from someone else.. he was.. right embarrassment and I'm sitting there laughing. Poor Eric never forgave Kirt the entire trip.. however Eric was quiet anyhow.
Arriving back at the hotel we hit the sack... I feel like shit again and Kirt decides that it would be a good time to read.
Highlights Day 1:
- Finding out we had a female dominated Contiki tour
- Amsterdam first stop
- Cafe Bulldog
Still sick and sorry for myself that night and I knew that Amsterdam tomorrow was going to be bring me down a notch..... Sunshine, hang over and trying to find where the Heinekken museum was!
At the Bull Dog!
Sunday, January 09, 2005
New years would have to be one of the best, if not the best, I have ever had. Being within the freezing cold in Edinburgh with some great mates (9 in total Me, Foo, Kirt, Wilko, DeeDee, Pacino, Maverick, Crazy Horse, Niclix) would definately have to be something to remember to tell people. I have updated the photo cache site with some pictures from our debauched tour around Scotland / York. Fortunately nothing incriminating...
We got into Edinburgh around 3:30am on Christmas Eve, slept until 10am and starting partying from 11am onwards... I didn't get to sleep until 36+ hours later. Managed to do quite a lot of partying.
Rocked into Edinburgh on Christmas Eve around 8pm and went to a house party, walked back down the Princess Street and continued until the fireworks went off... people snogging anyone around. Then we rocked up to the City nightclub and danced until 5am to Hed Kandi (which was definately awesome)... then stayed until until 1am the next day.... crazy :)
Was great to actually get to know a little more about some of the friends I have spent time with over here. We drove down to York for our last day. We rocked up at Yates for drinks, and while the boys were talking Pacino and I managed to talk to some of the local ladies... we found the lad's later on in the night at a reccommended place which had the most authentic 80's you can ever have. They had Mr T in a gold frame on the wall and KnightRider caste on the wall, along with a revolving dancefloor which Wilkes and Foo made full use when Michael Jackson came on. The clientele were at least 30 plus and extremely ugly... and the call of the night if not the weekend (however there was definately many others) goes to Wilkes.. as when I arrived.
'Man you have to get drunk and stay drunk to be here' and he promptly downs a neat double bourbon.
On the trip back to London, as I was driving Kirt and DeeDee home, I asked memoriable moments for the weekend so I'm going to list mine for you;
Crazy Horse : definately falling violently ill New Years day and throwing up in the kitchen sink, after me asking why he couldn't go to the toilet 'Well I thought this would be the best place to go as I would not have made it' Discreet and polite even when ill.
Niclix : In the back rooms of City nightclub and me just waiting a hour and a half to go to the cloak room, I was extremely not amused until I went upstairs and walked into a smoke filled sweaty room with RnB playing, here Niclix and Pacino are chatting to Scotland's finest. Some song comes on while I have my back turned and I turn around and Niclix has taken off his shirt and revealed his wife beater (the blue singlet) and started flailing his shirt around his head while dancing.... Quality... made me perk right back up.
Pacino : Definately would have to be York and taking the piss out of those two girls who had mistaken us you for 19 and me for 20 years of age, and you saying... 'No he's 23 and I'm 21.' While I'm trying not to laugh at this, he says... 'Imagine being 27!' Also you are full of the extreme quotes from all the good movies... looking forward to spending more time with the new crewmember!
Kirt : Seeing him enjoying himself around everyone, amount of piss taking we have done to each other is still relentless!
DeeDee : Dangerous Dave ... while I was on the dancefloor in the City nightclub I look around and here DeeDee is chatting up someone.... I squint and manage to work out she is about 40! He kept saying to me.. no she was early 30's. Sam managed to get a picture of the scene and I think we all said she was late 40's by the end. DeeDee comment 'So what .. I like them mature, and they'll teach me something.'
Wilko : would definately have to be the chill out session in the Parkie after New Years early morning. Really enjoyed the conversations and seemed to get to know this great lad a lot more. Cheers!
Maverick : Managing to drag home a lass from the nightclub to our Parkie, keep Foo awake with your antics and then tell us all about in the morning while Horse is dry retching when he walked into your coffin room.
Foo : Damn... another quality way to spent in England with the Foo. A machine with the ladies and on the floor. Always fun to bust a move with him and have a good laugh. I have no moment that springs to mind, as they all are good.... But I did hear about you crossing swords with someone while finally getting to a toilet. Huzzah!
To everyone else out there who spent New Years in a great place... congrats as this year is definately going to be big! Lots in stall and it already has a good vibe too it, except of course the tradegy in Asia which has been keeping people very attenative to the screens and papers, and shown a common spirit which humans do show on these rare occasions. Pity it isn't happening all the time.
Thanks again to everyone who I have spent time and fun with in 2004 may you all have the best of luck in 2005... and not catch any transmitted diseases!
Time to get my gear for Europe ready! Leaving Tuesday back 22nd January! Broke!
nn