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Sunday, May 21, 2006
Meet & Greet
On my way out the door soon, I'll try and update on the finer qualities of meeting people these days.
Over the last couple of weeks with what is left of the London Connection of lad's that I regularly mingle with there is only but a quad. Sam, Dee, Horse and I and by far I've had some great times with them in the course of 2 weeks than my whole experience last year. Coming back I realized I missed the way they talked and expressed themselves in such an open and positive manner.
Sam by large is the instigator of many the open conversation, he likes to talk with an icebreaker about how his testicles were twisted when he was wrong and explains in detail the gruesome operation he needed for the repair down below on the old Jatz, this is just one of Sam's stories and I can't wait for his new one as I have heard he's having a Colonic Irrigation on Friday coming.
These conversations are very entertaining and makes everyone laugh hysterically at Sam's misfortunate/fortunate/bizarre or whacked incident(s), but he does impact on how people actually converse from then on. A layer and boundary of self awareness is dropped and people, often strangers and randoms start talking like how people should to each other without the closed circuit of random conversation that is presented when you want to get to know people (eg. work, this week and the weather). I've taken many a leaf from Sam's book in the way I approach, obviously not to the high level of speaking openly about mishaps with my genitialia but just breaking ice where it should be, with an amusing story about myself.
I remember reading a book many a year ago (note to self to track down author and bookname for any interested) and it was somewhat a self-help to autobi of the author and he explained that some days during the week he wears a little cap with a propeller on it and walks to work and he describes the looks he gets and people that laugh at him. He went on to say that by making someone smile or laugh at one of your actions in the morning made his day a whole lot better, I never entirely knew what the action meant until recently.
We all can be so self absorbed, but by demonstrating that we can laugh at ourselves makes other people open, friendly and so more damn entertaining at parties at 3am.
Your homework this week is to tell someone a funny story about yourself, maybe one that you don't really want to own up to it.
A true entertainer is the one that believes he doesn't need an audience to perform.
Over the last couple of weeks with what is left of the London Connection of lad's that I regularly mingle with there is only but a quad. Sam, Dee, Horse and I and by far I've had some great times with them in the course of 2 weeks than my whole experience last year. Coming back I realized I missed the way they talked and expressed themselves in such an open and positive manner.
Sam by large is the instigator of many the open conversation, he likes to talk with an icebreaker about how his testicles were twisted when he was wrong and explains in detail the gruesome operation he needed for the repair down below on the old Jatz, this is just one of Sam's stories and I can't wait for his new one as I have heard he's having a Colonic Irrigation on Friday coming.
These conversations are very entertaining and makes everyone laugh hysterically at Sam's misfortunate/fortunate/bizarre or whacked incident(s), but he does impact on how people actually converse from then on. A layer and boundary of self awareness is dropped and people, often strangers and randoms start talking like how people should to each other without the closed circuit of random conversation that is presented when you want to get to know people (eg. work, this week and the weather). I've taken many a leaf from Sam's book in the way I approach, obviously not to the high level of speaking openly about mishaps with my genitialia but just breaking ice where it should be, with an amusing story about myself.
I remember reading a book many a year ago (note to self to track down author and bookname for any interested) and it was somewhat a self-help to autobi of the author and he explained that some days during the week he wears a little cap with a propeller on it and walks to work and he describes the looks he gets and people that laugh at him. He went on to say that by making someone smile or laugh at one of your actions in the morning made his day a whole lot better, I never entirely knew what the action meant until recently.
We all can be so self absorbed, but by demonstrating that we can laugh at ourselves makes other people open, friendly and so more damn entertaining at parties at 3am.
Your homework this week is to tell someone a funny story about yourself, maybe one that you don't really want to own up to it.
A true entertainer is the one that believes he doesn't need an audience to perform.
LS at 5/21/2006 03:21:00 AM
0 comments
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Monday, May 15, 2006
A eve into the week
Returning to an object of desire gives that romantic feeling you had once thought was the only thing to do. Sitting staring at the blank wall when you have realised the object to possibly be somewhat a false idol makes you wonder about the right or left fork in the road which may have been taken. The choice is made and you're left watching re-runs of movie's and the current disposition that the possible horizon could be optermistic. The laughter has subsided and the random conversation is now a blur of last night. The seat could be more comfortable and the bed more alluring however the outlook of this eve and tomorrow's endeavours has that sense of fruitfulness. Addiction on the table alongside change from your pocket. Thoughts colliding with the long list of inevitables and choices. The journey is beginning.
LS at 5/15/2006 07:40:00 PM
0 comments
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Wednesday, May 10, 2006
The question of why
I'm sitting bloodshot eyed in front of Sam's computer and feeling happy and saddened in some respect to be in London. The sun is shining outside and birds are making a fine tune, which would make anyone arriving for the first time that England has always been like this, unfortunately the season's do vary, like the inhabitants mood swings.
The flight here was blurry to say the least, I spent my trip from Sydney to Hong Kong shacked up in the small gallows of the kitchen asking for hand outs of whiskey, talking to random people at seldom intervals, reason I am usually there is some bastard had just reclined his/her (this case it's a woman) onto my knees and crushed them to pulp, obviously my faint muffled pain and curse does not distract them (usually they have their headphones plugged in).
I speak to one guy who is trying to talk to me while I am flagged the stewardess for my third whiskey.
"Service is pretty bad on this flight, I've had better service on BA." He says. Now when someone opens a sentence of introduction to me with a whinge, they usually don't get to much of an answer from me. I find that they have something more to whinge about other than the service of the cabin crew who is running nonstop around to a very packed plane. The young Chinese lady 'Vivien' smiles as I raise my empty glass and goes off to get another whiskey for me. I don't get drunk on airplanes, I just stand still, bend and stretch and quietly return to my seat to hopefully fall comatose and not caring about the sudden pressures asserted on my lower legs.
"Where you headed?" An open ended question this time, which I know I'm going to be stuck talking to this guy for the next 20 minutes. I don't mind as that's probably another whiskey to intake.
"Back to London, been in Sydney since December and heading back over to possibly finish off my ancestry visa in October next year." I like cramming as much into the answer because it usually does not tend to have more individual probing of questions from the 'random' which will digress from the extraordinary to the often bizarre.
We discuss what he does in Sydney, talk about land in Sydney and how all this new land is going up, about water restrictions and recycled water (Les works for Sydney Water as a Civil Engineer), a funny story about his wife’s European business and his two twin daughters (yes I even got to see a photograph of them in his wallet). Now friendly conversations on a plane should end at that, but then it got personal. He asked me about if I ever have heard of Landmark. Perusers not knowing of Landmark - it's a seminar for people who need to find some order in there chaotic lives. Lindsey did it last year and told me all about it (actually never shut up about it), asking me to go, as it changed her life and the way she actually thought. Being sceptical of these things I decided to miss out on the opportunity of letting strangers know my skeletons, but praised Lindsey on her achievement.
Now he's asked me if I knew about it - surprisingly I gulp the last bit of whiskey and Vivien is already walking passed and I ask for two this time as Les 'wouldn't mind one, but don't tell the missus'. I tell Les that I know of it, a friend went through it and it seems like a great thing for people to do, to get to know themselves, and that I have heard nothing but praise about Landmark. He explains his encounters and I nod away and he asks why I didn't attend.
"Well I don't really think I had too much time then, I was going through a rather weird time myself when my friend asked me to go. Maybe I should of went but I just didn't." I said.
"Well that's your bullshit story, funny how people have to come up with a reason on why they didn't do things. You could of went, but you needed to give me some bullshit excuse not to go, like you were too busy or..." Les's tone changed and it seemed a little accusing, I was caught wondering where it came from but now I know reflecting on it that he was testing me, I stood a little shocked at the small personal attack as he continues to make the opinionated guess that I have been too busy for everything throughout life.
"Look Les, it seems you may have me mistaken. Maybe that was a bullshit reason, but it was a polite answer. If you want to know the real reason. I think it personally is a crop of shit, I think that if people want to change it is up to them to change, not for them to stand in front of people and let other people know of their concerns, their actions and their faults in life. We are all human, we all make mistakes and well I don't think I can get up in front of people and say how much of a coward I have been, how much of a liar I can be and how my actions have lead me to the person I am today. I feel that I have my own life to lead and I've been leading it pretty okay lately, I'm a damn well happier then I used to be. I'm an open guy, I'll tell you the last time I masturbated, lied or even broke the law if you asked. But for me to go to something like that is just not me, I'm happy for you, it seems you have found something which you may have been missing in your life by attending Landmark, but I think we all need that something to find for ourselves."
[breathe] [gulp] [smile] "I'm going to head back to my seat now, have yourself a great time in Europe.."
As I went back to my seat, I do realise I may have came off a little harsh, but I wasn't going to have someone tell me I should be standing in front of 100 people and telling them about my life's inaction's. Les came up and apologised to me about 10 minutes later about 'jumping down my throat', I said for him to forget about it, and I hope he has by now. It's these difficult conversations you have at high altitude that sometimes wish turbulence was much more common.
The question of 'why' has popped up a hundred-fold in conversations with people while I have been in Sydney, maybe my retort with Les was a small release. I have been doubling back on the reason why my return to London has been and as I said to Al on Saturday afternoon when he asked me 'why', I finally gave in, probably due to lack of sleep, hung over and not in much of a verbal state, on top of the fact I usually give Al most times the blunt truth about my life.
"Al, people have asked me why for months now and I have said the same bullshit to them, maybe it's me trying to believe why I need to go back to London by giving the same bullshit response. I do not know what's install for me when I arrive, I may just fall on my ass. I say more travelling, more work, more this and more that. But you asking me today, I'm going to give you my reason today….. I don't really know anymore."
I came back to London thinking of many things, what to do, where to focus. I came back to London knowing of the special friendships I have formed here and how much I would of missed them if I did not come back for them. I came back to London knowing it's going to be another hard journey to lead, but one I feel capable of doing this time around without having all my own personal bullshit to contend with. If I fall on ass, I'll come home. If I have a good time, I'll let you know about as usual. If I stay, it would be something beyond measure.
Don't ask me the why and when, just be happy for the conviction, be glad of the proposed future, support the idea of random spontaneous thought and please be mindful of tall people in planes when you recline your fucking seat.
The flight here was blurry to say the least, I spent my trip from Sydney to Hong Kong shacked up in the small gallows of the kitchen asking for hand outs of whiskey, talking to random people at seldom intervals, reason I am usually there is some bastard had just reclined his/her (this case it's a woman) onto my knees and crushed them to pulp, obviously my faint muffled pain and curse does not distract them (usually they have their headphones plugged in).
I speak to one guy who is trying to talk to me while I am flagged the stewardess for my third whiskey.
"Service is pretty bad on this flight, I've had better service on BA." He says. Now when someone opens a sentence of introduction to me with a whinge, they usually don't get to much of an answer from me. I find that they have something more to whinge about other than the service of the cabin crew who is running nonstop around to a very packed plane. The young Chinese lady 'Vivien' smiles as I raise my empty glass and goes off to get another whiskey for me. I don't get drunk on airplanes, I just stand still, bend and stretch and quietly return to my seat to hopefully fall comatose and not caring about the sudden pressures asserted on my lower legs.
"Where you headed?" An open ended question this time, which I know I'm going to be stuck talking to this guy for the next 20 minutes. I don't mind as that's probably another whiskey to intake.
"Back to London, been in Sydney since December and heading back over to possibly finish off my ancestry visa in October next year." I like cramming as much into the answer because it usually does not tend to have more individual probing of questions from the 'random' which will digress from the extraordinary to the often bizarre.
We discuss what he does in Sydney, talk about land in Sydney and how all this new land is going up, about water restrictions and recycled water (Les works for Sydney Water as a Civil Engineer), a funny story about his wife’s European business and his two twin daughters (yes I even got to see a photograph of them in his wallet). Now friendly conversations on a plane should end at that, but then it got personal. He asked me about if I ever have heard of Landmark. Perusers not knowing of Landmark - it's a seminar for people who need to find some order in there chaotic lives. Lindsey did it last year and told me all about it (actually never shut up about it), asking me to go, as it changed her life and the way she actually thought. Being sceptical of these things I decided to miss out on the opportunity of letting strangers know my skeletons, but praised Lindsey on her achievement.
Now he's asked me if I knew about it - surprisingly I gulp the last bit of whiskey and Vivien is already walking passed and I ask for two this time as Les 'wouldn't mind one, but don't tell the missus'. I tell Les that I know of it, a friend went through it and it seems like a great thing for people to do, to get to know themselves, and that I have heard nothing but praise about Landmark. He explains his encounters and I nod away and he asks why I didn't attend.
"Well I don't really think I had too much time then, I was going through a rather weird time myself when my friend asked me to go. Maybe I should of went but I just didn't." I said.
"Well that's your bullshit story, funny how people have to come up with a reason on why they didn't do things. You could of went, but you needed to give me some bullshit excuse not to go, like you were too busy or..." Les's tone changed and it seemed a little accusing, I was caught wondering where it came from but now I know reflecting on it that he was testing me, I stood a little shocked at the small personal attack as he continues to make the opinionated guess that I have been too busy for everything throughout life.
"Look Les, it seems you may have me mistaken. Maybe that was a bullshit reason, but it was a polite answer. If you want to know the real reason. I think it personally is a crop of shit, I think that if people want to change it is up to them to change, not for them to stand in front of people and let other people know of their concerns, their actions and their faults in life. We are all human, we all make mistakes and well I don't think I can get up in front of people and say how much of a coward I have been, how much of a liar I can be and how my actions have lead me to the person I am today. I feel that I have my own life to lead and I've been leading it pretty okay lately, I'm a damn well happier then I used to be. I'm an open guy, I'll tell you the last time I masturbated, lied or even broke the law if you asked. But for me to go to something like that is just not me, I'm happy for you, it seems you have found something which you may have been missing in your life by attending Landmark, but I think we all need that something to find for ourselves."
[breathe] [gulp] [smile] "I'm going to head back to my seat now, have yourself a great time in Europe.."
As I went back to my seat, I do realise I may have came off a little harsh, but I wasn't going to have someone tell me I should be standing in front of 100 people and telling them about my life's inaction's. Les came up and apologised to me about 10 minutes later about 'jumping down my throat', I said for him to forget about it, and I hope he has by now. It's these difficult conversations you have at high altitude that sometimes wish turbulence was much more common.
The question of 'why' has popped up a hundred-fold in conversations with people while I have been in Sydney, maybe my retort with Les was a small release. I have been doubling back on the reason why my return to London has been and as I said to Al on Saturday afternoon when he asked me 'why', I finally gave in, probably due to lack of sleep, hung over and not in much of a verbal state, on top of the fact I usually give Al most times the blunt truth about my life.
"Al, people have asked me why for months now and I have said the same bullshit to them, maybe it's me trying to believe why I need to go back to London by giving the same bullshit response. I do not know what's install for me when I arrive, I may just fall on my ass. I say more travelling, more work, more this and more that. But you asking me today, I'm going to give you my reason today….. I don't really know anymore."
I came back to London thinking of many things, what to do, where to focus. I came back to London knowing of the special friendships I have formed here and how much I would of missed them if I did not come back for them. I came back to London knowing it's going to be another hard journey to lead, but one I feel capable of doing this time around without having all my own personal bullshit to contend with. If I fall on ass, I'll come home. If I have a good time, I'll let you know about as usual. If I stay, it would be something beyond measure.
Don't ask me the why and when, just be happy for the conviction, be glad of the proposed future, support the idea of random spontaneous thought and please be mindful of tall people in planes when you recline your fucking seat.
LS at 5/10/2006 09:57:00 PM
0 comments
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Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Mission statement
We all expect the troubles in our life to somehow micaralously disappear, but we only just realize the fate of the actions we take through our endeavors in life to answer these mysteries.
Why do we question and analyze the basic functions of being human, when we are inevitably in a position to serve? We serve our purpose to exist with each other and try to find our own personal meaning of happiness.
We serve our friends to make them laugh, help their heartache, to pull away our layers of self-vanity, and strive towards the most basic emotion of feeling.
We serve our parents to become responsible, to be independent in such a growing false world, to learn where we come from and not what we have become and to make them proud no matter what.
We serve ourselves, to place trust and respect at the top alongside humility and honesty, to study and learn from our mistakes, to somehow make a small difference and positive future for our own generations and to understand the meaning of love.
Why is it hard then to talk about yourself?
Why is it hard then to learn about people?
Why is it hard then to get along with one another?
It is our responsibility to make a difference.
It is our uniqueness we must share together.
It is our passion to learn how to love.
Why do we question and analyze the basic functions of being human, when we are inevitably in a position to serve? We serve our purpose to exist with each other and try to find our own personal meaning of happiness.
We serve our friends to make them laugh, help their heartache, to pull away our layers of self-vanity, and strive towards the most basic emotion of feeling.
We serve our parents to become responsible, to be independent in such a growing false world, to learn where we come from and not what we have become and to make them proud no matter what.
We serve ourselves, to place trust and respect at the top alongside humility and honesty, to study and learn from our mistakes, to somehow make a small difference and positive future for our own generations and to understand the meaning of love.
Why is it hard then to talk about yourself?
Why is it hard then to learn about people?
Why is it hard then to get along with one another?
It is our responsibility to make a difference.
It is our uniqueness we must share together.
It is our passion to learn how to love.
LS at 5/03/2006 12:48:00 AM
0 comments
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Tuesday, May 02, 2006
De Ja Vu....
When I was 3-4 - the family was living out in Greystanes and I remember falling down a large flight of concrete stairs head first. I use to have dreams and flash backs of that moment, I don't remember hurting myself, and I don't really remember the house itself, but I do remember the stairs lead up to the front door. So the vision seems like it was 20 steps and things do look larger when you were a child I suppose, but if you can imagine my little body bouncing down the steps head first and thinking I wasn't hurt in the process well you could be well mistaken. Funny thing is, I don't remember the sensation of that pain.
When I was going through my 20's and use to write myself off, I use to remember this moment and get a whole paranoid persona and feeling that I was retarded or brain damaged. I would look at my friends around me and think that, yes I am retarded but no one will ever admit it to me that I was 'special' just in case it would make me even more damaged. So I continue thinking that they are just only with me tonight out of pity for this poor brain damaged kid.
From there is gets into from the peculiar to the wierd and I continue thinking I've gone my whole life being told a lie, thinking that I'm really about 3-4 years younger than I really am, probably have autism because I was a bright kid (report card - Has potential .. but!), but stupid so my parents knowing about it threw me into school at a young age and are now frightened to tell me, so they are probably not wanting to tell me I am missing that yummy chromosome too.
Wait it gets a little more weirder... So I sit and stare and my brain is probably firing off too many electrode which is overloading my mental capacity, so I sub-conciously go into a catatonic and retarded like state and think I need some type of wheelchair to get me around. My friends are all taking pity on me, and going for the factor that other people can see they are nice people taking their retard friend out for drinks, and I continue thinking that the women I have slept with throughout my life must of taken some money from my wallet or had some bizarre kinky fantasy about wanting to sleep with this famous retarded person... then my brain melts.
I'm suddenly standing in a bizarre twisted reality of my own Truman Show and start eyeing the room for recording equipment and cameras, and god forbid I find one because that will send me into some vain state of delusion. So there I am rooted to the spot because I am aware of being retarded, devoid of a majority of thought and thinkign that my life has been a complete and utter lie.
Then snap ---- "Hey Luke!! .. you okay??"
The language that is usuaully produced from my lips is either the demon incarnated within me or my real retarded voice that I have just become aware of, I start thinking 'No wonder they also want me to repeat what I am saying to them.'
To being me out of the psychosis I usually have to force myself into remembering things - birthdays, phone numbers, cereals I ate as a kid, what the firing mechanisms of the Steyr rifle is called etc.etc.
So when I asked one day to a person and owned up this little self-absorbed and bizarre delusion in one of my states, they quietly put their hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eye and explained to me;
"Luke, you are not retarded, you are one of the saniest people I know."
I remembered looking up with a sad expression across my face, and the sudden realisation I was normal and said;
"But.. But.. I would of won gold at the Special Olympics."
'When you awake you will feel relaxed, but when you sleep who said it was relaxing...'
When I was going through my 20's and use to write myself off, I use to remember this moment and get a whole paranoid persona and feeling that I was retarded or brain damaged. I would look at my friends around me and think that, yes I am retarded but no one will ever admit it to me that I was 'special' just in case it would make me even more damaged. So I continue thinking that they are just only with me tonight out of pity for this poor brain damaged kid.
From there is gets into from the peculiar to the wierd and I continue thinking I've gone my whole life being told a lie, thinking that I'm really about 3-4 years younger than I really am, probably have autism because I was a bright kid (report card - Has potential .. but!), but stupid so my parents knowing about it threw me into school at a young age and are now frightened to tell me, so they are probably not wanting to tell me I am missing that yummy chromosome too.
Wait it gets a little more weirder... So I sit and stare and my brain is probably firing off too many electrode which is overloading my mental capacity, so I sub-conciously go into a catatonic and retarded like state and think I need some type of wheelchair to get me around. My friends are all taking pity on me, and going for the factor that other people can see they are nice people taking their retard friend out for drinks, and I continue thinking that the women I have slept with throughout my life must of taken some money from my wallet or had some bizarre kinky fantasy about wanting to sleep with this famous retarded person... then my brain melts.
I'm suddenly standing in a bizarre twisted reality of my own Truman Show and start eyeing the room for recording equipment and cameras, and god forbid I find one because that will send me into some vain state of delusion. So there I am rooted to the spot because I am aware of being retarded, devoid of a majority of thought and thinkign that my life has been a complete and utter lie.
Then snap ---- "Hey Luke!! .. you okay??"
The language that is usuaully produced from my lips is either the demon incarnated within me or my real retarded voice that I have just become aware of, I start thinking 'No wonder they also want me to repeat what I am saying to them.'
To being me out of the psychosis I usually have to force myself into remembering things - birthdays, phone numbers, cereals I ate as a kid, what the firing mechanisms of the Steyr rifle is called etc.etc.
So when I asked one day to a person and owned up this little self-absorbed and bizarre delusion in one of my states, they quietly put their hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eye and explained to me;
"Luke, you are not retarded, you are one of the saniest people I know."
I remembered looking up with a sad expression across my face, and the sudden realisation I was normal and said;
"But.. But.. I would of won gold at the Special Olympics."
'When you awake you will feel relaxed, but when you sleep who said it was relaxing...'
LS at 5/02/2006 11:50:00 AM
0 comments
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