When I was 3-4 - the family was living out in Greystanes and I remember falling down a large flight of concrete stairs head first. I use to have dreams and flash backs of that moment, I don't remember hurting myself, and I don't really remember the house itself, but I do remember the stairs lead up to the front door. So the vision seems like it was 20 steps and things do look larger when you were a child I suppose, but if you can imagine my little body bouncing down the steps head first and thinking I wasn't hurt in the process well you could be well mistaken. Funny thing is, I don't remember the sensation of that pain.

When I was going through my 20's and use to write myself off, I use to remember this moment and get a whole paranoid persona and feeling that I was retarded or brain damaged. I would look at my friends around me and think that, yes I am retarded but no one will ever admit it to me that I was 'special' just in case it would make me even more damaged. So I continue thinking that they are just only with me tonight out of pity for this poor brain damaged kid.

From there is gets into from the peculiar to the wierd and I continue thinking I've gone my whole life being told a lie, thinking that I'm really about 3-4 years younger than I really am, probably have autism because I was a bright kid (report card - Has potential .. but!), but stupid so my parents knowing about it threw me into school at a young age and are now frightened to tell me, so they are probably not wanting to tell me I am missing that yummy chromosome too.

Wait it gets a little more weirder... So I sit and stare and my brain is probably firing off too many electrode which is overloading my mental capacity, so I sub-conciously go into a catatonic and retarded like state and think I need some type of wheelchair to get me around. My friends are all taking pity on me, and going for the factor that other people can see they are nice people taking their retard friend out for drinks, and I continue thinking that the women I have slept with throughout my life must of taken some money from my wallet or had some bizarre kinky fantasy about wanting to sleep with this famous retarded person... then my brain melts.

I'm suddenly standing in a bizarre twisted reality of my own Truman Show and start eyeing the room for recording equipment and cameras, and god forbid I find one because that will send me into some vain state of delusion. So there I am rooted to the spot because I am aware of being retarded, devoid of a majority of thought and thinkign that my life has been a complete and utter lie.

Then snap ---- "Hey Luke!! .. you okay??"

The language that is usuaully produced from my lips is either the demon incarnated within me or my real retarded voice that I have just become aware of, I start thinking 'No wonder they also want me to repeat what I am saying to them.'

To being me out of the psychosis I usually have to force myself into remembering things - birthdays, phone numbers, cereals I ate as a kid, what the firing mechanisms of the Steyr rifle is called etc.etc.

So when I asked one day to a person and owned up this little self-absorbed and bizarre delusion in one of my states, they quietly put their hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eye and explained to me;

"Luke, you are not retarded, you are one of the saniest people I know."

I remembered looking up with a sad expression across my face, and the sudden realisation I was normal and said;

"But.. But.. I would of won gold at the Special Olympics."


'When you awake you will feel relaxed, but when you sleep who said it was relaxing...'