You know you've been in England too long when;

1. You don't even bother looking out of the window when you get up in the morning to check what the day is like. You know it is overcast.

Very true, I have my curtain shut 90% of the time. The only time I look out the window is when I hearing screaming or there is possibly a brawl from outside the pub just down the road. Sensible viewing.

2. You believe that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday are all good nights for drinking. Sunday day is also entirely reasonable.

Absolutely true. Any day is a good day to drink. Work drinks are a necessity to encourage your social status and kidney failure. Your social status will get you sex and the kidney failure will get you flowers and sympathy.

3. You can't remember what 'customer service' means.

Oh fuck off this can't be true! Everyone's a fucking wanker anyhow when you speak to them on the phone.

4. After a big night out you find yourself looking for a Curry house and not a 24 hour McDonalds.

As I don't eat at McDonalds I don't emphasise. Though as a kebab here looks like a used diaper when it's given to you over the counter and are about as tasty as one, curry's do become your best option. Also a curry is sensationally brilliant when you puke them up on a pavement, because you no some lucky beggar is going to turn green when they see it in the morning, and start worrying about your health.

5. You start to accept queuing as a way of life.

Literally this morning. 15 minutes to get a ticket for the train. 20 minutes herded into a small semi circle where the doors may open on the platform and shuffling forward (miss two trains because they are jammed pack). 7 minutes waiting for your ham and cheese toastie which you orders 3 times already (because the girl's first language isn't English) over the increasingly disturbing jackhammer behind you. 10 minutes in line for coffee in work cafeteria. And it isn't even 11am!

6. More than three hours sunlight on summer days seems excessive.

Going to disagree. More than three hours of sunlight on a summer's day could blind people.

7. You always call soccer 'football' ... and you have a team ... and it's not Manchester United. (what's wrong with United??)

Well firstly it's managed by an arrogant Scottish prick! Secondly 'United' are not half as proud as the Spurs!

8. You don't think twice about buying a packaged sandwich.

The bread here is always stale, that's why!

9. A sunny lunchtime means searching for a patch of grass and stripping off practically down to your underwear.

I'm blinded again! I'm scared to look at my own legs due to the overwhelming sense that they could cause emotional stress to all.

10. You expect men to actually cut, comb and style their hair (using hair products) and to wear decent clothes. Jeans and a T-shirt are no longer socially acceptable.

Always did anyhow, depends on your type of jeans and t-shirt though.

11. You think 40 quid for a haircut is quite reasonable.

Yes I used to think this until I met my neighbour who's a hairdresser and does it for 15 quid.

12. You finish every sentence with 'Cheers' or "In'it", and start every conversation with Hiya or Alright.

Never used in'it but I use the other 3 with a lot of liberal sense.

13. You only just realise you have lost your sunglasses-you left them in Greece 2 summers ago.

Was actually in Australia.

14. You start thinking English cuisine isn't all that bad after all, I mean, it's hard to beat a full English breakfast.

Bacon, Eggs, Hash, Beans, Sausage, Dry toast and the all important Black Pudding (find out what it is and you'll throw up a little in your mouth).

15. You are on to your 6th umbrella and your second overcoat.

Fourth overcoat, 2nd umbrella.

16. You buy a disposable baby BBQ from Argos.

Oh yeh! Those things BURN everything!

17. You realise your sunscreen is the stuff you originally brought from home with you.

Absolutely true. I have this fluro yellow zinc as well that the only place I wear is at Australia versus games.

18. A day at the beach means wearing the warmest clothes you own while standing on golf ball-size pebbles and the thought of swimming doesn't even enter your head.

But Brighton is such a lovely place .. to shop

19. You actually say, "Sor'ed" or "its all gone a bit pear shaped".

Yep. Australian translation to those would be:
"It's all good" and "Up shit creek"

20. Wearing a suit in a pub is relatively normal attire.

Last week - Tuesday, Thursday and Friday - in a suit, seated in a pub, with a number of other people in the same thing, quite possibly whinging also about weather, work and women.

21. You have given up complaining about the Victorian-like banking services offered in the UK.

Banking and service should not be seen together in the same sentence in UK.

22. You have given up explaining why you are half an hour late to work as no-one notices or even cares. In fact - you may even join the one hour gossip session around the coffee machine before booting up your computer.

It is 11am now, and I believe nobody has done an ounce of work. Except of course me because I carry the team.

23. Coming to work with a hangover is entirely accepted and indeed expected at least once a week.

I think I still stink of Scotch to be honest.