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Friday, January 28, 2005
Ahhh Amsterdam... we had managed to be in the first hotel on our trip and managed to get completly trashed as well... I was still trashed and I felt like my body was floating and making me knock into anything solid when I decided to walk.
The triple S was a regular ... Shit, Shower and Shave!
"So.. Kirt" I say with a mouthful of Mcleans. "What's cooking today."
"I do believe good sir we are seeing some diamond cutting and then kicking off to the Heinekken museum!"
"Ahhh sweet"
"Ahhh dude"
We manage to sit down amongst the throng of Contiki's and here their exploits of the previous night, we managed to get on the bus to return to the hotel (the bus was half empty) so people had plenty of stories. It seems that Hilly, Malks, Lorna (Lozza), Brooke and a couple others headed to the red light district and saw some freaky sex show. Brooke proceeds to tell me that she was on stage making a withdrawal of fruit from a ladies ... well you know. The fruit you say??? Ahh Banana of course! Brooke's nickname today was Banana-Gal! Malks decided to talk to one of the red light lasses and ask
"How much?"
"Suck and Fuck - 50 Euro."
"How much for a suck?"
"50 Euro!"
"Fuck mustn't be that good then!"
So we all tell our stories and people are laughing and having a great time... we find out that Lorna and Brooke want to head off to the Heineken museum as well. Ahhh the love of life and two beautiful women to escort us to the Heaven of Beer! People were getting all fruity about going to Van Gogh's and Anne Franks ... bah me and Kirt on a mission.. me and Kirt must find substance to simulate the cause of brain damage! Yes it is 7am and we both are thinking about beer.
Diamond cutting was like watching grass grow and as stimulating as a snail race through chicanes. We managed to see some diamonds worth 20,000 euro and all the girls went woozy over them. I sat on the seat at the back, fell asleep and coughed myself awake most of the time. Still toasted since last night as well!
Cut me something square!
Right ... Kirt and I blow the popstand and pull out the roadmap! We are here we need to get thar! Off we go following people we thought were going to the museum as well, to only find out half way along they weren't!!! Fucka's we are now off course and time is cut short, we have lost Lozza and Brooke! So I check the map and find the shortcut's to get us to the tram!
Taking in the back-streets of a cities is sometimes some of the best culturally aware things you can do, I have always liked getting myself lost in cities, until of course you trip over a drunk or walk into the bike lane (everyone rides bikes in Amsterdam, they have bike stands the size of metropoliation car parks - I shit you not!) and you may get run down by a tinky bell and a lot of cussing in Dutch... "Yo Ma!!!"
Backstreets of Amsterdam
We make it to the tram and there's Lozza and Brooke, jumping on a tram with a non-existant ticket collector and make to the museum.
The Heinekken museum is worth a trip around, if of course you are interested in all the processes. It's cheap and you get 3 drinks on your trip around and a glass at the end! That sold me! So we play with all the gadgets and go on all the rides, send a movie home with Kirt and I swimming inside a Heinekken bottle and make complete asses of ourselves where we can and walk out of there with a free pint glass and feeling a little tipsy! Don't ask me how to make the beer for you, I just know it's got hop's and water goes into somewhere and I think you add yeast, barley and sugar or something like that! I drink it, and spew it up! I don't mass produce it!
Lozza wants to taste fries and mayo - the delicacy of Amsterdam. Munchies kick in and we are off to The Dam, missing Anne Franks house and hitting the streets in search of fries and mayo! We order them and they douse it in Mayo! So we are there hands covered in mayo eating it, walking along licking our fingers, to anyone watching us it would have been a most disgusting sight to watch!
Lozza's decides Mayo is creamy!
I'm now sweating and coughing with the worst fever imaginable.. I hit up the chemist and stand with some American tourists wanted the best drug they can give them to get rid of a cold / cough. I listen.. and I say as they argue with the person behind the counter. "I want something that will kill my cold and put me to sleep." Handing over a pack of capsules named Darra was her response.. I buy and notice the words on the packet. RETARD CAPSULES. What the?
Back on the bus and we are now off to St Goar in the Rhineland. I know tonight there is a wine tasting in some underground caves and well I was so sick by now, all I thought about was bed. x3 Retards and I was seeing stars and everything got fuzzy and then BLANK. I wake up in St Goar and it's night, I've been sitting next to someone the whole bus trip sleeping. I crawl out of the bus and say to Gerry (our Tour Manager who by now is beginning to be one funky dude)
"I aint going to the wine tasting.. I'm going to sleep!" Words possible to that effect as the retard capsules made me slur everything and speak gypsy for a good amount of time!
Shit shower and shave I head down to dinner, eat very little and people head off to wine tasting, a few are left behind and I begin to talk to Nic (our bus driver) and find out he worked with the Australian government as an undercover investigator on oil rigs to see if they were frauding the system. Found out he had been shot twice and the only reason he drives buses is that it's less stressful! (You ever thought about driving a bus full of 50 people who get drunk at first opportunity and bonk anything, make complete asses of themselves, shit in your bus toilet and ask for seconds?) I finish the pint of beer I have and head to bed, thinking I'll have a snooze and come back down to see everyone else after wine tasting. x2 more capsules!
Zoink!!!
It's Kirt in his boxers again saying it's time to get up.. its 6:15am! I'm sick.. I mean really sick by now and Kirt's morning glory aint making the stomach which is churning any better! I'm in the middle of Germany in the Rhineland, along the Rhine River and all I want to do now is sleep for another 48 hours!!
"What's on the itenary today good Kirt... and put some clothes on dude!"
"Munich!!"
"Shit!!! BEER AND RETARD CAPSULES!"
Day 3 coming soon......
