I'm sitting bloodshot eyed in front of Sam's computer and feeling happy and saddened in some respect to be in London. The sun is shining outside and birds are making a fine tune, which would make anyone arriving for the first time that England has always been like this, unfortunately the season's do vary, like the inhabitants mood swings.

The flight here was blurry to say the least, I spent my trip from Sydney to Hong Kong shacked up in the small gallows of the kitchen asking for hand outs of whiskey, talking to random people at seldom intervals, reason I am usually there is some bastard had just reclined his/her (this case it's a woman) onto my knees and crushed them to pulp, obviously my faint muffled pain and curse does not distract them (usually they have their headphones plugged in).

I speak to one guy who is trying to talk to me while I am flagged the stewardess for my third whiskey.

"Service is pretty bad on this flight, I've had better service on BA." He says. Now when someone opens a sentence of introduction to me with a whinge, they usually don't get to much of an answer from me. I find that they have something more to whinge about other than the service of the cabin crew who is running nonstop around to a very packed plane. The young Chinese lady 'Vivien' smiles as I raise my empty glass and goes off to get another whiskey for me. I don't get drunk on airplanes, I just stand still, bend and stretch and quietly return to my seat to hopefully fall comatose and not caring about the sudden pressures asserted on my lower legs.

"Where you headed?" An open ended question this time, which I know I'm going to be stuck talking to this guy for the next 20 minutes. I don't mind as that's probably another whiskey to intake.

"Back to London, been in Sydney since December and heading back over to possibly finish off my ancestry visa in October next year." I like cramming as much into the answer because it usually does not tend to have more individual probing of questions from the 'random' which will digress from the extraordinary to the often bizarre.

We discuss what he does in Sydney, talk about land in Sydney and how all this new land is going up, about water restrictions and recycled water (Les works for Sydney Water as a Civil Engineer), a funny story about his wife’s European business and his two twin daughters (yes I even got to see a photograph of them in his wallet). Now friendly conversations on a plane should end at that, but then it got personal. He asked me about if I ever have heard of Landmark. Perusers not knowing of Landmark - it's a seminar for people who need to find some order in there chaotic lives. Lindsey did it last year and told me all about it (actually never shut up about it), asking me to go, as it changed her life and the way she actually thought. Being sceptical of these things I decided to miss out on the opportunity of letting strangers know my skeletons, but praised Lindsey on her achievement.

Now he's asked me if I knew about it - surprisingly I gulp the last bit of whiskey and Vivien is already walking passed and I ask for two this time as Les 'wouldn't mind one, but don't tell the missus'. I tell Les that I know of it, a friend went through it and it seems like a great thing for people to do, to get to know themselves, and that I have heard nothing but praise about Landmark. He explains his encounters and I nod away and he asks why I didn't attend.

"Well I don't really think I had too much time then, I was going through a rather weird time myself when my friend asked me to go. Maybe I should of went but I just didn't." I said.

"Well that's your bullshit story, funny how people have to come up with a reason on why they didn't do things. You could of went, but you needed to give me some bullshit excuse not to go, like you were too busy or..." Les's tone changed and it seemed a little accusing, I was caught wondering where it came from but now I know reflecting on it that he was testing me, I stood a little shocked at the small personal attack as he continues to make the opinionated guess that I have been too busy for everything throughout life.

"Look Les, it seems you may have me mistaken. Maybe that was a bullshit reason, but it was a polite answer. If you want to know the real reason. I think it personally is a crop of shit, I think that if people want to change it is up to them to change, not for them to stand in front of people and let other people know of their concerns, their actions and their faults in life. We are all human, we all make mistakes and well I don't think I can get up in front of people and say how much of a coward I have been, how much of a liar I can be and how my actions have lead me to the person I am today. I feel that I have my own life to lead and I've been leading it pretty okay lately, I'm a damn well happier then I used to be. I'm an open guy, I'll tell you the last time I masturbated, lied or even broke the law if you asked. But for me to go to something like that is just not me, I'm happy for you, it seems you have found something which you may have been missing in your life by attending Landmark, but I think we all need that something to find for ourselves."

[breathe] [gulp] [smile] "I'm going to head back to my seat now, have yourself a great time in Europe.."

As I went back to my seat, I do realise I may have came off a little harsh, but I wasn't going to have someone tell me I should be standing in front of 100 people and telling them about my life's inaction's. Les came up and apologised to me about 10 minutes later about 'jumping down my throat', I said for him to forget about it, and I hope he has by now. It's these difficult conversations you have at high altitude that sometimes wish turbulence was much more common.

The question of 'why' has popped up a hundred-fold in conversations with people while I have been in Sydney, maybe my retort with Les was a small release. I have been doubling back on the reason why my return to London has been and as I said to Al on Saturday afternoon when he asked me 'why', I finally gave in, probably due to lack of sleep, hung over and not in much of a verbal state, on top of the fact I usually give Al most times the blunt truth about my life.

"Al, people have asked me why for months now and I have said the same bullshit to them, maybe it's me trying to believe why I need to go back to London by giving the same bullshit response. I do not know what's install for me when I arrive, I may just fall on my ass. I say more travelling, more work, more this and more that. But you asking me today, I'm going to give you my reason today….. I don't really know anymore."

I came back to London thinking of many things, what to do, where to focus. I came back to London knowing of the special friendships I have formed here and how much I would of missed them if I did not come back for them. I came back to London knowing it's going to be another hard journey to lead, but one I feel capable of doing this time around without having all my own personal bullshit to contend with. If I fall on ass, I'll come home. If I have a good time, I'll let you know about as usual. If I stay, it would be something beyond measure.

Don't ask me the why and when, just be happy for the conviction, be glad of the proposed future, support the idea of random spontaneous thought and please be mindful of tall people in planes when you recline your fucking seat.