I wrote this entry over a year ago now. Sitting at Liverpool station in Sydney awaiting my train home. A questioning time for me upon returning to London and what I was searching for in the meantime, it became a small insight into a lot of built up frustration and unresolved issues.

In Sydney now before finding these scrawled in a blue book that someone close to me gave me a while ago along with many a love letter we shared. I read these letters to find happiness and the self-doubt which still lay within my writing. Her writing was that of love and emotion which I possibly have missed from time to time throughout my irregular relationships over years. I forgot about these letters and the thought the time that went into each upon sending them to her, and remembered that it was my first ever love. As one would say though, love is blind.

Reading these year-old scrawling it made me realise my head space has cleared after 12 months ago. I sit bored wanting something to do in Sydney instead of feeling relieved that I am safe and can relax. The rest of the year ahead determines a lot of judgement for me, and I am not afraid of it, as I look forward to it and the possible mistakes I could make.

A year as taught me a lot. I have met some of the most amazing people in this time while in London and they have shared with me their own life. Sobbing my heart out over Dave's shoulder only days ago made me realise that I was making the right decision because I was not worried about my future but looking forward to leaving London. I was finished with Europe and was awaiting the next big thing.

Anyhow, enough of the sob story - read on if you wish.


My deepest fear is failure. The thought itself exists within the environment that surrounds me. The awakening of the next day brings the memory of what personal pressure I have placed upon myself. Yet I have let my fear once again become evident. This pressure cannot be lifted without the help of an existence I cannot perceive. Nor the entails of my tears that I constantly shed in my growing emotional state.

Count a score ago and I will regret from there. My belief in things have demoralised my own personal judgement to that of a rash, ill-received, somewhat depressed individual in the eyes of friends and now family. I contemplate the hole, which I admit to myself that I have shovelled. However, in the midst of my thought I forget to see the horizon of forgotten expectation I once had and continue to conceive through moments of clarity.

I had wished once for it all to end, a constant battle of awaking each morning to have the idea for a new plan. This is how sadistic and ill my thoughts about my future had concluded. Was I chasing attention? I had a fear of love and commitment, but had yearn its feeling. I feared of letting someone down, but as time progressed, I constantly understood that my laziness, portrayal and notion had become skewed. I then moved to London, it disappeared in a blur. Only to have it blur back into my conscious when I arrived back home. I depart back to London in fear of an expectant next couple of months of misery filled with self poverty while in exile. I have a new improved plan this time without the sadness, and to overcome my fear ..... failure.

The uncomfortable thought I get once faced with the what's ahead is a peculiar mix of how you perceive will happen being a realist. Understanding that faith of what you plan may have its flaws and weaknesses also has the success rate on how much spirit you involve yourself within. Rash decisions have been made in the past and the old saying of 'once you fall down, you pick yourself back up again' springs to my mind. But, then you think, how long does it take to move on, as you continue to stumble through emotion and lost control of your own willpower.

I've been told many a time to make a list, even of the smaller things that you want to change in your life, do not stick by it, but use it as a guide. Sure I can say "It's hard being me". But, that just invokes pity. I need to lose sight of trying to be the attention, but yet to understand it. Seek and ye shall find, I would be lying if I haven't tried to seek, but am I looking in the wrong places? Am I seeking approval or justification that my decision is right or wrong?

I think it becomes evident to me that next year I turn 30 and yet I feel that I have not done anything I am proud of to get me there. Yes I can say I achieved this or that, but to say that I would be lying as I have never been 100% committed in having that achievement succeed. SO the question I ask today was, should I go back to London? It's the first time I have asked myself this. I know it be would be the only reason and sensible thing to do. Than I fear if I go, when will I return again.... not if.


Never sell yourself short. 12 months go by in your life and things change, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse, but I'm sure in your life when you're thinking one thing, you'll quite possibly forget about it all in 12 months time because you have new idea's, endeavours, love/lust interests and worries to concern you.

It's good to smile in Sydney again, it's taken me a long time.